


The Secrets That Make Us and Break Us Apart

by xdluhman (deirdrepaterson)



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Break Up/Make Up, Fluff, M/M, Magic, Multi, Secrets, loose usage of Scottish druidism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-28 02:00:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12595600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deirdrepaterson/pseuds/xdluhman
Summary: For the McSpirk Holiday Fest 2017, Round 4:Prompt from starfleetdicks:Bones always had a talent for saying the right words, waving his hands just ambiguously enough, to heal a patient in the most dire of straits without rousing suspicion. The AU where Bones is not only a talented medical professional but also a talented witch. A witch who is trying desperately not to be noticed.





	The Secrets That Make Us and Break Us Apart

**Author's Note:**

> I took the prompt a little more loosely than was probably intended. Sorry about that.  
> This work is unbetaed and may be filled with mistakes; let me know if you spot any.  
> Also, there's some use of the word "crazy" that may be uncomfortable or triggering for some readers; keep this in mind before reading.  
> I hope you enjoy!  
> Patch Notes 11/2/2017: At the suggestion of Kea, I've added spaces between paragraphs to enhance readability. Also added credits to the end notes.

As long as anyone from the Enterprise could recall, Doctor Leonard McCoy carried an ancient-looking satchel with him wherever he went. It never left his sight and rarely left his person. No one had seen the inside, but a few people claimed to have heard clinking noises from inside, an observation typically supported by an offhand nod from Commander (later Captain) Spock, who was known to have the best hearing of the whole crew.

  
Early in the first five-year mission, Captain Kirk and Doctor McCoy were on a routine ground expedition.

  
"Now, Bones, what exactly is in that satchel of yours? You carry it everywhere! Why, if it were a few centuries back, I'd guess it was filled with diamonds," Jim joked. Like the other crew who had taken note of the satchel, his curiosity was overwhelming, and he hoped that their recently deepened relationship might yield a few answers.

  
Leonard chuckled, "No, no, it's nothin' like that, Jim. Just somethin' of personal value. I wouldn't worry about it." It seemed like a jovial response, but there was a definite edge to his voice that told Jim not to push it.

  
Jim shook his head and smiled, figuring there was something in Len's past that he wasn't ready to fess up to yet. "Fine, fine. How about instead you tell me about what you think of Mr. Spock…"

  
\-----

  
Years passed. Spock joined Jim and Len's relationship. Len still carried the bag, locked it up before joining the other two in bed.

  
If anyone had bothered to read the medical records of the U.S.S. Enterprise with a close eye, they might have noticed that the death and injury rates in high-risk situations were far lower than should have been possible, considering the injuries and deaths sustained when the CMO was not immediately on hand. Admittedly, Nurse Chapel found it strange that she was often dismissed or sent on arbitrary errands just when the patient was taking a turn for the worse, only to come back later and find the patient fully recovered, or well on their way, at least. But since whatever Dr. McCoy was doing didn't seem to cause any harm, she was willing to turn a blind eye to these…strange events.

  
But if there was one thing James T. Kirk was terrible at, it was turning a blind eye to suspicious circumstances.

  
He had a choice to make. The five-year mission was winding down, and he could either go out on another one, with a largely different crew, or take a desk job as a vice admiral. It seemed like a simple choice, given his love of the stars, of adventure, of seeking out new things and meeting them head on. But he also had two men he loved, without whom he couldn't imagine living, even if he still had his ship.

  
"Dammit, Jim, I hate being out here! I've been away from the Earth for too long! Away from my daughter for too long! Away from my tr--" Leonard snapped his jaw shut and made an exasperated noise. "I just can't take it anymore! Why won't you just come back with me? Is the Earth such a terrible place for you? Spock doesn't seem to have any problem with being grounded for me, for us! What the hell is so much trouble for you?!"

  
Jim's hands were clenched, nails digging into his palms. "Oh, I don't know, Leonard," he said, drawing out the name with a sarcastic edge. "Perhaps because I can tell there's something you're hiding from me! Just now you started naming a third thing you'd been away from and then suddenly you stopped! You lock up that fucking satchel like it's the most important thing in the goddamn universe! And you should know better than to think you can lie to me! You've seen my files, seen my genetic profile, know that I have just enough Betazoid blood to detect falsehoods!"  
Spock raised an eyebrow. "I was not aware that--"

  
Leonard cut him off. "I don't give a flying fuck about your blood! Am I not entitled to some privacy? I already let Spock into my mind with his Vulcan mind tricks! He doesn't bother me about the parts I block off. So why the hell do I have to tell you every goddamn thing about my life?!"

  
"Because it's not some little thing, like failing to mention you were raised with siblings or that your first sexual encounter was with your high school best friend! Even Spock's omission that his father is an ambassador wasn't as big as this! Spock doesn't carry around an amulet with the likeness of his parents everywhere he goes!" Jim gritted his teeth as his eyes started to water. "Gods, I love you, Bones, but sometimes I feel like I don't even know who you are! That bag and the Earth and…and…and I don't even know what are so central to who you are that you carry them with you always." He sighed and sat down on the bed. "But you know what, Leonard? I'm tired. I'm tired and I can't handle this anymore. Fine. Fine, I'll take the position in the admiralty, but this relationship is over. There's something you're lying about, and I won't keep waiting until you're comfortable enough to tell me. If four years isn't long enough for you, then no length of time will be."

  
"You don't get it, Jim! I'm not trying to hurt you! I just can't…I can't tell you. I'm too afraid of the consequences, of what you'd think of me!" Leonard stepped closer to Jim, but Spock grabbed his shoulder.

  
Tears were streaming down Jim's face as he stood up. "If you think that--" deep breath "--that there's anything you can tell me to--" sob "--to make me think ill--" shaky breath "--think ill of you, then you really don't know me." He paused to regain some modicum of composure. "I'm going to take a long walk around the ship, and when I return, I expect to find both of you moved out." He wiped harshly at his eyes. "I will see you on the bridge tomorrow, Commander Spock, and if there's any fairness in the universe, I won't have to see you again during this tour, Doctor McCoy."

  
\-----

  
Once the five-year mission was over, each man went his own way.

  
Jim accepted the position in the admiralty and settled into life in San Francisco. Alone.

  
Spock returned to Vulcan, disturbed by the destruction of their relationship. He sought out the old masters and began the path to Koli-nahr. Alone.

  
Leonard quietly resigned his commission with Starfleet and returned to his family home in Georgia. He wasn't quite alone, however, as his return to Earth allowed him joint custody of his daughter, Joanna, who spent most weekends and school holidays with him.

  
Leonard and Joanna were crouched next to Tobar na Cille, a spring in St Kilda, whispering softly to each other when Montgomery Scott happened upon them.

  
"Well, if it innit the great Leonard McCoy himself!" said a Scottish-accented voice from behind the two. "And who might this wee lass be?"

  
Leonard tensed up, but gestured for Joanna to stand just as he did the same. He had with him his ever-present satchel and was fostering the beginning of a beard. "This is my daughter, Joanna. What brings you out to St Kilda, Mr. Scott? Aren't you from Aberdeen?"

  
Scotty chuckled. "I could ask the same of ye. Aren't ye from Georgia? Whene'er I have the opportunity, I like to visit some of the more remote parts of Scotland. Are ye here to see St. Brendan's Well?"

  
Leonard made a face of disdain. "Tobar na Cille, and yes, we're here to see it. Despite moving to America, my family kept ties with places all across Scotland. I want my daughter to have the same connection to her ancestors as I did."

  
Joanna remained silent throughout the exchange, constantly looking back at the spring with a look of wonder in her eyes.

  
Scotty nodded sagely. "Aye, family history can be very important. Is that why ye had Sulu cultivatin' a European oak in the botany labs?"

  
Leonard started looking distinctly uncomfortable. "It's a family tradition. If we live somewhere for more than a few months, we're supposed to plant an oak tree using an acorn descended from a tree on the family's original land." He pulled out a civilian communicator and feigned checking the time. "As nice as it was to see you, Mr. Scott, Joanna and I had best get going. Farewell."

  
Before Scotty to say anything else, Leonard had taken Joanna's hand and the pair were walking off towards the road.

  
\-----

  
A few years later, Leonard was unceremoniously pulled back into Starfleet due to a mysterious threatening entity and the machinations of one James T. Kirk. Who just happened to be waiting when he rematerialized on the transporter pad.

  
McCoy was livid. "Just a moment, Captain, sir. I'll explain what happened. Your revered Admiral Nogura invoked a little known, and seldom used, reserve activation clause…in simpler language, Captain, they drafted me!" Each use of the word Captain had the same edge to it that some might use on the word Klingon. Midway through, he had also realized what, exactly, he was wearing. He was unconcerned about the jumpsuit or his beard, but he'd left his amulet exposed…

  
Kirk seemed indignant at the accusation. "They didn't!"

  
McCoy clasped one hand around the amulet while the other wrapped around the strap of his satchel. His lips twisted like he wasn't sure what expression to make. "This was your idea! This was your idea, wasn't it?"

  
Kirk looked only vaguely guilty. "Bones, there's a 'thing' out there…"

  
McCoy's blood ran cold. "You still have the gall to call me that? After everything? Why do we always call it a 'thing'?"

  
Kirk continued like nothing happened. "…headed this way. I need you. Dammit Bones, I need you. Badly!"

  
"You're damn lucky that everything essential for me to do on Earth is done already." He paused. "Permission to come aboard?"

  
Chief Petty Officer Rand granted permission and he followed Kirk, grumbling vaguely about conflicts with doctors and changes to sickbay.

  
Later, he was unsurprised when Kirk made every effort to be in charge of the ship himself. It was obvious from their arguments some five years previous that the admiralty was the wrong place for him. He could also see how much Spock's absence was hurting the admiral.

  
McCoy had tried to invite Spock to live with him, but something about Spock's discomfort told him that Jim had always been the central component of their relationship, or the catalyst at least. When Spock turned down his offer, he expected the Vulcan to move to San Francisco, maybe teach at the Academy or go back out as the captain of his own vessel. Hell, he'd even thought it possible that Spock would seek out his adoptive sister, Michael Burnham, who had been involved in…strange things since the 2250s. He was alarmed to hear instead that Spock had returned to Vulcan, and not to live with his family…

  
Then Spock arrived and Ilia was replaced with a probe and Spock took a space suit and tried to make contact with the massive entity V'Ger. Jim rescued him and took him to sickbay.

  
McCoy glanced idly at the scanner. "Indications of some neurological trauma. The power pouring through that mind-meld must have been staggering."

  
He turned away from the bed, listening quietly as Jim and Spock reconnected. A part of his heart ached to join them, but Jim was right. He had secrets, big ones, that even now he wasn't prepared to share with them. They couldn't have a real relationship if he was hiding such a large part of himself.

  
Eventually they managed to handle the entity, which turned out be an ancient rogue probe from Earth, Voyager 6. McCoy didn't strictly approve of the solution of letting Decker sacrifice himself, but it worked, so he could only protest so much.

  
Afterwards, they returned to the Earth, where Jim stayed with the admiralty, Spock became an instructor of a sorts at the Academy, and Leonard stuck with Spock as his ship's doctor. It was a special sort of painful to watch as Jim and Spock rekindled their romance, but he was happy for them nonetheless.

  
\-----

  
Khan. McCoy had always had a niggling feeling that they should have done more to stop him, and now Spock was dead.

  
He could have done something, dammit, if only Spock hadn't knocked him out! And now there was something wrong with him. There was something…off about his mind, about his abilities. He had to return to the Genesis planet. It was imperative.

  
He gave it his best shot. Of course that landed him in a psych ward. Much to his surprise, Jim figured out what was going on, that Spock had shoved his soul into McCoy's body and that Spock's body was out there, on the Genesis planet.

  
The whole series of events was a blur to him, but he knew there were Klingons and that Jim had let his son go in order to save Spock.

  
He'd never been so thankful for whatever magic the Vulcans had until they managed to remove Spock's soul from him and return it to Spock. It was heartbreaking to see that the restoration of his katra didn't include the restoration of Spock's memories, but there wasn't anything Leonard could do about that either.

  
As much as it would hurt Jim, Len couldn't help but hope that the coming court martial might dismiss him from Starfleet once and for all. That maybe he could remain on his beloved Earth, even without his once beloved companions.

  
With the assistance of the Vulcans, they managed to get the captured Klingon bird-of-prey, dubbed the HMS Bounty, into working order. They charted a course back to Earth, only to find that a mysterious probe was fucking up the weather on the planet and threatening to destroy just about everything.

  
As usual, Spock surprised everyone by coming to the conclusion that the probe was trying to communicate with something in the water--specifically the humpback whale, a species that had been extinct for more than two centuries.

  
Leonard wished with every fiber of his being that Jim and Spock's solution wouldn't be to travel back in time, but of course that was the "logical" solution. Against all odds, they managed to go back to the 1980s and land in San Francisco, near where they had detected humpback whales.

  
Tasks were assigned. Jim and Spock would search for the whales. Nyota and Pavel would find a source of nuclear energy to help return the ship to working order (something told Len that those two were not the ideal choice). And Scotty, Hikaru, and himself would look for a solution to how to contain a whale or two in the ship's cargo bay.

  
Hikaru went off on his own to find a way to move the large sheets of plexiglass that Len and Scotty would try to get. Len did his best to turn on the charm and get their way without any issues, but Scotty insisted on creating a time paradox by giving a man at the plexiglass company the formula and methodology for the creation of transparent aluminum.

  
Everything would have worked out okay if it weren't for the fact that Chekov was captured while on the U.S.S. Enterprise at the Alameda naval base. He managed to escape, only to end up pitched off the ship and taken into the hospital with an unidentified but potentially fatal head injury.

  
So Leonard and Jim, with the assistance of his new friend, Gillian, from the Cetacean Institute, hatched a plan to break into the hospital and rescue Chekov before they cut him open. Which would have worked okay except for the part where Leonard forgot to put any regenerator devices in his period-appropriate doctor's bag.

  
He was too distracted by the plights of other patients (dialysis! Was this the dark ages? Even his ancestors had better methods…) to realize this gaffe until they were actually in the operating room.  
"Now if you two wouldn't mind standing in the way of those so-called doctors," he told Jim and Gillian as he rummaged around in the bag.

  
Gillian moved in front of the window, but Jim was puzzled. "Bones, they've already seen the phaser and the tricorder, who cares if they see a regenerator?"

  
"Dammit Jim, just stand in their line of sight and don't turn around! Or don't you want me to fix Pavel?" Leonard retorted.

  
Jim was still baffled and he could feel that Leonard was on the edge of panic, but he turned and moved into the doctors' line of sight. But he couldn't resist taking a peek. Why didn't Leonard want anyone to see what he was doing? It was a run-of-the mill arterial repair…

  
But instead of seeing the regenerator in Bones' hand, he saw Bones pulling open a tiny glass vial with his teeth and dipping a twig in it. He laid the twig on Chekov's cheek and held each end gently before closing his eyes and standing perfectly still. He started mumbling something in an unfamiliar language and the twig began to glow.

  
Jim knew he should turn away, respect Leonard's wishes, but he couldn't rip his eyes away from what was happening. "Bones," he said, awestruck, "are you…are you a witch?"

  
Leonard's eyes snapped open and he turned sharply towards Jim. "James T. Kirk, you are so damn lucky I was done with that or Chekov could be dead because of your stupid impulsive mouth." He capped the vial and shoved it and the twig into his bag before patting Chekov on the cheek. "Hey, Pavel, wake up."

  
Chekov's eyes opened a little. Jim approached. "Name? Rank?"

  
Chekov grinned deliriously. "Chekov…Pavel…Rank…Admiral…"

  
Jim and Leonard rolled their eyes. "Alright, now we gotta break this idiot out of here," Leonard said, checking the wheels on the gurney. Gillian grabbed one of the operating room doors and Jim ran for the other as Leonard started rolling Chekov forward.

  
\-----

  
Jim held his tongue about what he'd seen until after they'd saved the Earth and been court-martialed. He dragged Spock with him after the Vulcan had finished his conversation with Sarek.  
They caught up with Leonard in a corridor near some conference rooms.

  
"Leonard. We need to talk," Jim said. "You can't just pretend I didn't see what I saw."

  
Leonard turned, eyes blazing, and Jim flinched like he'd been burned. "If you'd damned well minded your own business, we wouldn't have this problem, now would we?"

  
"Perhaps it would be best if we moved to one of these rooms," Spock said before Jim could reply.

  
Leonard stormed into the nearest conference room, which was blessedly empty, followed by Jim and Spock.

  
Jim could feel that Leonard was becoming completely unstable. Almost as soon as he felt this, Leonard ripped the satchel from his body, flipped it open, and roughly dumped its contents onto the (carpeted) floor. More than a dozen vials and almost as many twigs fell out and scattered on the floor, along with a few weathered stone chips and the amulet Leonard had been wearing when he transported on during the V'Ger incident. He didn't say anything, but he stood there and seethed, chin up, staring Jim in the eyes.

  
Spock merely raised his eyebrows.

  
Jim looked away from Leonard to the items scattered on the floor. "So you are a witch, then?"

  
Leonard let out a barking, humorless laugh. "Not exactly. I come from a long line of druids. We used to have all sorts of roles, leader, judge, doctor. We were given all these responsibilities because of our connection to the land and most especially the trees. Our power comes from the Earth, from her land and plants and waters. Most of the Scottish thought we disappeared with the coming of Christianity or maybe the Industrial Revolution. But we were still there, just quieter, more subtle in our magic. I became a doctor because that's what I felt the magic calling me to do. I always did the best I could with the technology provided, but in the most dire of situations, I could heal using sacred waters or scraps of the old standing stones or twigs from the trees my people draw their strength from. So there. Now you know what kind of freak I am, why I hate being away from this planet, why your dreams of space could never truly include me."

  
Jim was awestruck and could tell that Spock was similarly awed but vaguely skeptical.

  
"I don't wish to imply that you're lying, Leonard, but could you demonstrate this magic of yours?" Spock asked.

  
Leonard sighed heavily. "There's not much right here to heal, and I never learned any other kind of magic…"

  
Jim had a thoughtful expression. "Could you heal my eyes? It wouldn't be something easy to prove right away, but Spock is well aware that I can't read properly without corrective lenses."

  
"Are you sure, Jim? I don't know how to justify that sort of change in your medical record. I can fix your eyes, if that's what you really want." Leonard paused. "Aren't you afraid or think I'm crazy or something?"

  
Jim shook his head vigorously. "If you're crazy, I'm crazy too. After all, I witnessed you healing Chekov. And he's perfectly fine. And I don't care about the medical record issue. Mysterious changes happen all the time. After all, I'm sure your incredible success rate is suspicious and no one's bothered to ask about it."

  
Spock was intrigued. "If you could correct Jim's eyes, I will believe that you are a druid, as you say."

  
"Jim, I think you're the crazy one, but fine. Sit down in one of the chairs and tilt your head back," Leonard said before kneeling down to gather his items again. He selected a seemingly random twig and a vial of water that was labelled Tobar na Suil. He got back up and uncapped the vial, standing behind Jim and dipping both ends of the twig into the vial.

  
"I'm going to pour a little water on each of your eyes, then lay a twig on your face and chant a prayer to the Earth for healing. I've been told this may tingle a little," Leonard said. "You should close your eyes, though. The water isn't meant to actually make contact with your ocular membranes."

  
Jim smiled and closed his eyes. "Go right ahead, Bones."

  
Before he started, Leonard glanced at Spock, who raised an eyebrow in a way that said 'it's his decision, not mine'. Leonard nodded and proceeded as he had described.

  
He used the vial to place a few drops on each of Jim's eyes, laid the twig on Jim's forehead, the ends pointing towards his eyes, and settled his fingertips onto the twig. He chanted softly in what Jim and Spock could only guess was a form of Gaelic. The twig and Len's fingertips emitted a glow for a few seconds before fading just as he stopped chanting.

  
He removed the twig and wiped the drops off of Jim's eyes. "Okay, Jim, I'm all done. Your eyes should be back to 20/20 vision, though it may not be obvious until you try to read small text without glasses." He backed away. "Now if you don't mind, my water, twigs, and standing stone fragments are scattered on the floor and I'd like to put them back in my bag."

  
\-----

  
Later that evening, Leonard joined the other two at Jim's apartment. Jim and Spock settled onto the couch next to each other. There was enough space on the couch for Leonard to sit, but he was still uncertain of if or how he fit into their relationship, the relationship that actually began with him and Jim. So instead he sat on a nearby chair in the sitting room.

  
"So, did it work? Do you believe me?" he asked, once they were all seated.

  
Jim grinned widely, and Spock gestured at the copy of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland that lay on the coffee table. "He read me the entire first chapter without wearing any corrective lenses. It's fascinating, Leonard, this ability you have. And to think that humans find the abilities of Vulcans so strange."

  
"It's amazing, Bones! My vision hasn't been this good since well before I entered the Academy! Why were you so concerned about us finding out that you're a druid?" Jim said, fingers laced with Spock's, voice excited but eyes sad.

  
Leonard shook his head in disbelief. "Jim, I was raised to believe that if anyone not of blood relation found out, I would be considered either a freak to be studied or mentally ill and sent to an institution. I'm sorry I thought so little of you, but this fear and mistrust was ingrained in me from a very young age."

  
Jim nodded. "I think it's fair to say that Spock and I both understand to some degree. It's similar to how I don't advertise my Betazoid blood or how Spock doesn't often mention that his mother is human. We know people will look at us differently. But I'd like to think we also know that if someone truly loves us that they won't treat us any differently or think any less of us. And I really, truly loved you, Bones. If you'd just told me why it was so important that you go back to Earth, I would have willingly given up the Enterprise with…well, very few regrets. Because I've realized that as much as I love the stars, traveling between them isn't the same without you or Spock. I was actually getting ready to propose to you and Spock when we had that…fight."

  
Leonard could feel tears coming on, a mild burning in his eyes. "Looking back, I know I misjudged the situation, and I think I understand how much my secrets must have hurt you. I'm sorry, but I just didn't know any better. I should have; it was the same sort of thing that caused the split between Jocelyn and I. I couldn't admit to her that I was gay. Not out of shame or anything, but because I didn't want her to know that I had never intended to have sex with her, that it was a drunken mistake that just happened to lead to Joanna's conception. And I wouldn't take any of that back, but I would give anything to go back and tell you the truth. Because against all my good sense, I've never stopped loving either of you. And I'm so sorry for all the suffering you've both experienced, all because I was scared and stubborn."

  
Spock gripped Jim's hand more tightly. "Leonard, I think I can speak for us both when I say we've never stopped loving you either. It will take time, because our trust has been broken, but if you desire, we can rebuild our relationship."

  
Jim nodded vigorously. "We love you. I don't want to have to live without you, Bones. I can, if you aren't willing to start again, but I don't want to. If you're concerned because they've made me a captain again, we can talk about it. If you don't want to go back out into space, then we'll figure out an alternative. Please. Just think about it?"

  
Tears welled up in Leonard's eyes, and one fell down his cheek. "Are…are you sure? We could start again, even after all this time?"

  
Jim looked at Spock, who nodded. "Absolutely. Please, come back to us." Spock and Jim both got up and moved to kneel by Leonard's chair.

  
"Of course," Leonard whispered.

  
Spock took Leonard's hand in his free one, and Jim leaned forward and met Leonard's lips in a gentle, sweet kiss, filled with the promise of infinitely many more to come.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any questions about events in the story or Bones' particular brand of druidism, let me know, and I'll do my best to respond.  
> Any familiar dialogue (namely in the TMP or Voyage Home rehashes) comes from the movie scripts, not my head.


End file.
